Let me tell you something that I have kept a secret for 7 months.
![]() |
L's little hand holding on to me |
They were home with us after two weeks and shortly after that, our nanny went AWOL on us. It didn't helped that she was never a ray of sunshine from the day she joined us but somehow she managed to make me feel so inadequate as a mom. How she would look at me with judgmental eyes while I struggle to make my twins latch on to me. How she would talk behind my back and tell the other helpers what a loser I am for forcing my twins to breastfeed when I obviously do not have enough milk. Then she left us, not that she was a big loss but her absence also meant no sleep for me. A new mom who was trying to learn fast yet fighting the need to catch some zzzs. There were nights when I'd be up watching YouTube videos of breastfeeding tutorials. I honestly felt like a noob and I blame myself for not preparing enough when I was still pregnant with them.
Then it hit me. One day, I was up (well, I dont think I ever slept at all) nursing J and I heard my sister, my niece and my brother in law came to the house so early in the morning. I was so excited to see them but I was stuck inside the room carrying my sleeping baby. Then I heard my sister saying good bye to my parents, I later found out that she left my niece for my parents to watch over while she will go out to do some bazaar shopping that day. That was probably the saddest moment of my life. Suddenly, I questioned it that will be my life from now on. Trapped at home, full time mommy, no social life. You see, I've always been a very mobile person all my life. One who goes out whenever I please. Back then, I would have my calendar filled to the brim with lunches, dinners, meeting up with friends, bazaar shopping and more. Since I gave birth, all I did was to roll out of bed when one baby is crying and nurse him or her back to sleep. I barely even had time to brush my teeth!
![]() |
It was also during these darkest moments when I realized who my real friends were. I remembered how envious I was of this group of foodie friends as they would eat out a lot and I would go to the extent of telling them that I wanna join them next time. Somehow, my self invitation fell on deaf ears and one even jokingly told me "sure if we lost as much weight as you na." I'm not dumb. That was a clear NO and what he didn't know was I was losing weight because I wasn't well. I've learned to write them off my life already. We don't need friends like them after all.
Then I learned to snap out of it. It wasn't easy but it was what my sister once told me that strucked me really hard. She said that my babies won't care if I'm breastfeeding them or bottle feeding them. They won't mind if I am not carrying them the perfect way. All they need and deserve is a happy and healthy mommy. She told me that it's okay to take breathers once in a while. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from them. That's what motherhood is all about. I always knew that my sister is really a smarty pants but she sure got a lot of Mommy wisdom too.
![]() |
Happier me with my precious gems on my birthday ♥ |
No matter what, I will never forget that stage in my life and it's one place that I don't wanna be in again...ever. However, there are still a lot of people who are struggling not to fall into depression. Some are already in it, some are just dangerously cruising around it. What I learned from it is that we all have to be sensitive to one another. Be Kind and Be Genuine. If you tell someone that you want to keep in touch, then by all means do so. We're all just a message away so just take that time out to say hi and hold someone's hand if you feel they need you to.
So here's a message to all my readers out there. You've been with me for the past 11 years and I'd like to do the same for all of you. If you feel the need to talk, please drop me a message. I promise that I'll be there to hold your hand and hopefully we can get you out of your darkest days together. *hugz*.
No comments
Post a Comment